Ramblings of a Wayward Code Slave

It's been a while since I posted something here and I thought I'd mention something about my reflections on Christmas. It isn't easy. It used to be, back when my grandparents were alive and I was a little kid filled with dreams of what might be under the magically-lit tree. These days, I just do what I can to survive Christmas.

The first obstacle for me is family. My grandparents are dead -- have been since the late '80s -- but that still overshadows the entire Christmas season even today. I suppose that remembering family who have passed away is part of dealing with any holiday, but they were such an integral part of Christmas that it just hasn't been the same ever since. Add to that the different factions in my extended family -- these not talking to those, those thinking these are snooty, nobody talking to this one, and everybody talking about that one behind his back -- and you get a veritable minefield of holiday cheer that makes me wish that the eggnog actually was spiked.

The second problem are the presents. In growing up, I realized just like most everyone else that Christmas isn't a grab-bag of goodies; a present becomes less of a Monty Hall catch and more of an expression of thought between giver and recipient. That's not to say that I haven't had some really nice ones as an adult, just that the wow factor is a lot less. That being said, what I find difficult about presents are dealing with those folks who insist on tit-for-tat. Case in point: I received a very nice gift this year that cost $600 from a tit-for-tat person and my gift in return only was worth about $350, which I thought would be sufficient not knowing that this person was planning to give me a $600 gift. Was it? No way. Complaints galore. First off, I don't like spending that kind of money on a gift, nor receiving a gift worth that. It's an escalating cold war of spending. Second, I don't like it when people aren't happy with the gift because the dollar values don't match up precisely. However, tit-for-tat people are like that, and if you find one who likes spending insane amounts of money (like this one) then woe unto you. Spending $350 on a Christmas gift is already insane given my salary and expenses, and doing the tit-for-tat thing by going up to $600 is just criminal. I won't do it.

The third problem is that everyone expects me to be all happy and jolly. Well, I'm not. I have various things going on right now that influence my disposition a lot more than some Christmas cards and lights can fix. People wish me Merry Christmas not knowing a single thing about me, and I get e-cards with umpteen exclamation points after a Merry Christmas as if violating this commandment is a cardinal sin. I don't feel merry. I don't feel jolly. And I hate faking a smile and giving an insincere Merry Christmas back to them, but I do it knowing that it's expected of me. Am I turning into Ebenezer Scrooge? No, you won't hear a "Bah, humbug!" coming out of me. I'm just a normal person experiencing abnormal times and coping with them as best as I can.

So between family who don't like and/or won't talk to each other, tit-for-tat present givers, and a cannon of holiday cheer pointed right at me, Christmas just isn't easy. I look forward to the day when it will be again.

Honest. I just turned on the TV last night and immediately saw a fleur-de-lis. It was Monday Night Football and New Orleans was playing Atlanta. Perhaps you noticed when I tuned in. New Orleans was down 3 to 7 and it was about 1:30 from the end of the first quarter. As I noticed with horror that I was watching New Orleans play again -- remembering my super powers -- those very powers kicked in and the Saints started acting like a team of kids led by the Rain Man. I immediately went to the DVR and started watching X-Files reruns, but after a few of those I, with a certain amount of trepidation, checked on the Saints again. They were down...way down. I saw the last 1:45 of the game where they were down by three goals but still trying. Their last pass was more of an attempt to put the ball into orbit than get it to a receiver, but they went down fighting. At least they never quit.

They've got some big, mean-looking people on the team this year. I'm glad they don't know that I'm the reason they've lost so much in the past...

I corresponded with an old friend from college this morning who postulated an interesting idea about the Kelvin scale of measurement and our reluctance to use it outside of the hardcore scientific realm. It's all tongue-in-cheek, but with a hint of reality. Here's his letter...

The wind chill is -10. That is one thing about measuring temperature in Kelvin that makes more sense than Fahrenheit or Celsius. I mean, how can you have negative temperature? Either you have heat or no heat - having negative heat just doesn't make sense to me - so having a temperature numbering system that starts at zero makes complete sense. But maybe they save a lot of ink cost on thermometers by not having to add the hundredths column to non-Kelvin thermometers to convert them to Kelvin.

Humm - just imagine if changing our temperature system from Fahrenheit to Kelvin were a Louisiana and FEMA effort. Instead of just providing people with the Kelvin thermometers, they would probably just issue $25 checks to everyone so that they could go out and buy a marker and edit their Fahrenheit thermometers.

However, many of the people would probably spend their $25 on Lottery tickets and then complain because they still don't own a Kelvin thermometer. Therefore, these people would need to continue to get their weather readings via the Weather Channel. But since they can't afford Cable TV, FEMA will volunteer to pay for their cable bills until they can get used to the Kelvin world.

Since a Kelvin thermometer goes up to higher numbers than Fahrenheit thermometers, those who didn't convert will be jealous of those who did take the initiative and did convert because those who did convert now have thermometers with more mercury than those who did not. And since these people who wasted their money on lottery tickets have a right to have as much mercury as those who did prepare, FEMA will need to provide them with the extra mercury. They may not need the extra mercury, but they are going through a hard time not being able to look at a Kelvin thermometer, so it is their right to have more mercury so that it makes them feel better.

In the end, FEMA will charge Louisiana 25% of all the extra mercury they had to supply. Since Louisiana doesn't have any money, they will need to get the red stuff from the hard working citizens. But since their Kelvin thermometers are sealed tight, these people can not give mercury. But the state legislature is very creative, and can surely find some red liquid that these people can "donate".

And here's my reply...

No, you have it all wrong. In order to adopt the Kelvin scale one has to acknowledge the existence of an absolute zero. Neither the federal government nor the state goverment can do this since the mathematics of budgets will break down and pandemonium will subsequently break loose upon the earth. Although several of our leaders point to the possibility of an absolute zero, the revelation that one actually exists and is scientific fact would cause worldwide devastation and thus require FEMA to do more good deeds for the nation. This will, in turn, cause budgets to shrink even more and the whole mess will cascade until it reaches critical mass and the world's goverments will implode into a black hole that will suck in all money and valuables on the planet.

So are we a little jaded about the ability of government agencies to conduct their affairs in a timely, organized, and cost-effective manner? Of course we are. Two years ago a handyman made off with my hammer. If I were the federal goverment I would now have a bid on my desk for a $14,000 model that can be constructed and shipped to me within 9 months, barring cost overruns and labor shortages. Geez, I guess the new toilet seat will have to wait for next year...

I was listening to a report on the news about FEMA, the State of Louisiana, and money and suddenly I felt someone groping around the right side of my derrierre. It was the government feeling around for my wallet. Whoa, guys! Pull the hands back and think for a minute. Who put me in the highest tax bracket in the nation? You did. Who has me supporting 2.3 families other than my own? You are. Whenever we need to invade a country or pay for a $7,000 DoD toilet seat who comes knocking at my door? You do, our beloved government.

Right now I really don't care whether the government be liberal or conservative, Republican or Democrat. The lowest common denominator always holds -- the wheels of government are greased with the taxpayers' money and there's a lot of wheels to keep greased. The problem is that nobody keeps track of the wheels, the grease, or the people doing the greasing. All we know is that the government always needs more grease. And, of course, we're the ones to supply it.

Case in point: FEMA has recently presented the State of Louisiana with a bill for 25% of the FEMA expenditures for the state. This means, with FEMA tottering on the brink of insolvency, that the Louisiana taxpayer will be burdened not only with paying out for FEMA at the federal level, but also at the state level as well. And the nation thinks that only New Orleans and Terrebonne and Cameron parishes were the only places in Louisiana where folks got nailed by Katrina and Rita. The taxpayers of this state are about to take a financial anal raping of epic proportions thanks to a bunch of dimwitted civil servants who got control of the pursestrings when they probably couldn't balance their own checkbooks. Just last night a high-ranking Louisiana official in charge of finances for the state was on Neil Cavuto (Fox News) asking where the FEMA money was. Supposedly, $62 billion was spent on disaster relief and this fellow -- whose name escapes me now -- was asking where it all was spent because Louisiana didn't get any of it. Huh? Did all of that money remain under the control of FEMA? Did we all pay for FEMA-sponsored shopping sprees at the Houston Galleria with $2,500 debit cards and extended hotel visits? What about the needs of the actual states? What about the flood insurance that FEMA can't afford to pay out now?

Cha-CHING: the taxpayers. We elect people who are hopefully intelligent to run the government. They hopefully select other intelligent people to run government agencies. So why do government agencies act like the Banana Brothers when it comes to doing their jobs? FEMA was founded in 1979 under Carter's presidency. So, it seems to me like they've had 26 years to get it together and in that time haven't done much more than suck down a lot of money and a lot of coffee. Oh, sure, they run Mount Weather out in the Blue Ridge mountains of Virginia, but that was supposed to be a top secret relocation center for government VIPs. The fact that it's all over the Internet, complete with directions, and even was the subject of an X-Files episode is testament to FEMA dropping the ball on that one.

Shoot, give me the money instead. I promise that I can do just as bad a job as FEMA but at only 10% the cost. What a bargain!

In the meantime, the Capital One barbarians have given up doing commercials and are flocking down to Louisiana in droves to rape, pillage, and plunder the state.

The federal and state goverment...what's in YOUR wallet?